


No run-of-the-mill talk jive

by Petra



Series: Author's Favorites [34]
Category: Car Talk (Radio Show), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crossover, Gen, National Public Radio, Screenplay/Script Format, podficced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22590487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra
Summary: What do you do when you’re driving your vintage Bentley and then suddenly it is, through no fault of your own, on fire?
Relationships: The Bentley & Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Author's Favorites [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1390711
Comments: 103
Kudos: 180
Collections: Chocolate Box - Round 5, Love Me Some Crossovers





	No run-of-the-mill talk jive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [impilii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/impilii/gifts).



> Thanks to jack for the plotbunny and alpha-reading, and to autographedcat and teddywolf for beta-reading.
> 
> I hope you enjoy your treat, impilii, despite it not being a fandom you're necessarily in.

Tom: So, next up is Anthony. Anthony, can you hear me?

Anthony: Yes, um, hi guys, Anthony from Mayfair in London, long time listener, first time caller. I have kind of an urgent situation. What do you do when you’re driving your vintage Bentley and then suddenly it is, through no fault of your own, on fire?

Ray: Get out of the car immediately and call the police.

Tom: What if he’s running _from_ the police?

Anthony: Yeah, no can do. I've got to get where I'm going, and I'm damned if — that is, I'm going to do it in this car, that's all.

Tom: Are you currently actually driving a car that's actually on fire?

Anthony: For the sake of argument, let’s say no. But how would you suggest I proceed if I were?

Ray: Well, if it's just a theoretical, you'd better open the windows so you get enough oxygen. It's gotta be worse than chili night at my brother’s place in February.

Anthony: Open the windows. Got it. What would you do when the tires start melting?

Tom: Your tires are melting already? Don't tell me you left snow tires on this late in the season. You don't sound like you're from on side of the pond, but you should check your treads with a penny and make sure if you stick it in, it covers some of Abraham Lincoln's head. 

Ray: Pennies are the little orange coins we put on railroad tracks.

Anthony: I quite liked Lincoln. I'll be sure to check the treads if there are any tires left when I arrive.

Tom: Where are you going in this theoretically incendiary car, anyway?

Anthony: A quaint little English village.

Tom [whistles]: Can you contact the fire department and get their attention before you roll into town? Most municipalities have rules about the quality of car you're allowed to drive, and I bet "actively on fire" breaks all the rules.

Anthony: So I'd better not tell them I'm coming, or they'll try to stop me.

Ray: Speaking of stopping, how are your brakes doing? If your brake fluid has started to evaporate you're going to have a hell of a time coming to a complete stop when you need to.

Anthony: That hadn't occurred to me. Well, theoretically, the brakes are still responding.

Ray: Good, good. You still sure you're not pulling over?

Anthony: Positive.

Tom: It'd be courteous to other drivers if you put your hazard lights on so they can see you coming and get the heck out of your way.

Anthony: Ah, right. Other drivers. Good thought.

Ray: What part of the car's on fire, anyway? Is it the engine compartment?

Anthony: It's just generally on fire. I drove over a road that — that was alight — and it just went up. Theoretically.

Ray: So it's everywhere? You can't just pull over and wait for it to cool down like my brother does every half mile in his Dodge Dart?

Tom: Clearly he should’ve packed his fire extinguisher.

Ray: Like you always do when you drive that thing, yeah.

Anthony: I don't think you understand the urgency of the situation. If I pull over now, the world will end.

Tom: Theoretically?

Anthony: Yes, fine, if I theoretically pull over the world will literally end. It's very hard to see out of the windshield what with all the soot.

Tom: Soot’s not good, especially burning paint. Can you breathe?

Anthony: Breathing’s fine or we wouldn’t be chatting right now.

Ray: Has your windshield wiper fluid all evaporated yet? That might calm the situation down a little bit.

Anthony: Let me — bugger, there's steam everywhere!

Ray: Well, don't do that again!

Tom: That sounds worse than winter in Boston when you try to use the spritzer and it ices over instantly. Visibility is very important, y'know.

Anthony: The steam is clearing now, and the smoke is mostly behind the car because I'm moving at a reasonable speed. What else should I look out for on this journey? Theoretically?

Tom & Ray: Everything!

Tom: You're gonna get yourself killed if you keep doing what you're theoretically doing.

Anthony: That's not a concern.

Tom: You think if we lose a client on-air they'll let us keep polluting the NPR airwaves?

Ray: That might be the final straw against us. We’re supposed to give good advice, not killer advice.

Tom: Well, at least it’s still advice, right?

Anthony: Don't worry, I'm not going to die from my car being on fire or I'd be dead already. I just have to get to my destination.

Tom: Well, your transmission's not going to be happy operating at high temperatures for very long, and your radiator's not designed for this kind of thing. So sooner or later, the car's just going to stop. And it won’t be pretty.

Ray: And that's if the fire doesn't get to the gas tank. Cars don't usually explode like they do in the movies, but there are exceptions, and buddy, you sound like an exception to every rule.

Anthony: Thanksss.

Tom: We're getting some static on the line. You still there?

Anthony: Yesss. I'm going up a hill and it'sss a little ssstresssful.

Tom: You heard the part about the car maybe going to explode, right?

Anthony: Yesss. It won't.

Ray [after a pause]: Well, theoretically it won't. You're really pushing the envelope on what even a vintage Bentley can handle here, you know.

Anthony: I noticcced. Anything elssse I should look out for?

Tom: Apart from it overheating or possibly exploding? I think you're probably going to discover new ways for cars to go horribly wrong. Once you get where you're going, call us back so we know you got there, all right? You can fill us in on everything that went wrong with your car.

Anthony: I'll be a little busssy.

Ray: Next week, then. You can't just leave us hanging.

Anthony: If there isss a next week, I'll call you. Ciao.

[call ends]

Tom: Well. So. Listeners, if your car ever catches fire, don’t be like Anthony. Stop immediately and get out as fast as you can. Your car can’t stop, drop and roll like you can.

Ray: Listen to my brother. He’s had more than his fair share of cars catching fire over the years, so he knows.

Tom: Hey, don’t forget your Camaro! 

Ray: How could I forget? I never should’ve let you drive it that day.

Tom: Seriously, be careful out there. Remember, your car’s combustion should be internal, not external!

Tom & Ray laugh.

Ray: Maybe our next caller will have a problem we can actually fix.

Tom: That’d be a first! We should be so lucky.

Ray: And though Ira Flatow wishes he’d gone into firefighting instead of science every time he hears us say it, this is NPR.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] No run-of-the-mill talk jive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24303499) by [BabelGhoti](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabelGhoti/pseuds/BabelGhoti), [carboncopies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/carboncopies/pseuds/carboncopies), [CompassRose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CompassRose/pseuds/CompassRose)




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